Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
