There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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