the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
too bad you live with your parents still
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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