I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
