I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
