and you said cock pushups were impossible
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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