I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
