i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
