Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
