Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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