When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
