if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
