I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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