so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
