My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
