did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
