i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
even my farts smell like vagina
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
