I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
