My liver just broke up with me...
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
