rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You need a sexual gate keeper
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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