I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
