When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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