the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
