after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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