Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
