this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
