I'd wear matching sweaters with you
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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