At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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