Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
