i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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