dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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