oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
