so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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