This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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