I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
