Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
