My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
