Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Let the clothes fall where they may.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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