Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
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