i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
