Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
