No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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