You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
