Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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