Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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