If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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