covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Randomize
