I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
