My hair reeks of homosexuality.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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