I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
they need to just BURY HIM!
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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